If you’re going to Wisconsin in the morning You mind if I tag along? I know a couple people back there Who want to see their brother; see their son I need this now Can you help me out Before I go out of my mind? Thinking back on days when I was 17 years old and I was awful Kept a distance I must not have felt at all A constant pivot to stay social If I could change anything about the way I’ve lived my life I’d go six years back and just be a little present

Don’t even get me started on the truth. Being honest is a bastard. I lost reception on the way home is what I told you; An excuse so I wouldn’t have to delve into detail. Because those are messy and you’re cutthroat. And I’m sure just what you’ll make of them. And I’ll be just a dickless faker then. And I know exactly what you’re thinking, and I don’t agree, no, I don’t agree with any of that. Thankfully, I think we stoked the fire now. The waves need to crash, I mean so to speak, just to put it out. You really have a lot of preconceived notions about the person I’m trying to be. I find it hard to admit to your face that our heads just aren’t floating around the same space and I don’t want to be preoccupied with this. Would be nice to not think about it anymore. Just be ourselves for a sliver of time. You’ll probably see the world as I machete through mine. And I think I’ve found myself a crisis that I can put my back into and use as an excuse for a while. Feasibly, we could still get back together when I find myself an ideal, whatever that means, that I can be about. First, the waves need to crash, I mean so to speak, just to push me out.

I see mountains in the mist Dusted with snow and yellow spots of piss And I haven’t checked my email in over 18 days If only I could just log on to read All my collected social feeds All my comrades would be at-ing me Saying “Hey man, where have you been? We were wondering if you were ever coming back and if you’re not could we use your house for parties and stuff?” Now I’m dead My spirit floats a half mile above my head And I wish I could return but I know that’s not an option I never started The Wire I never finished Boardwalk Empire I never made it to Hawaii and I never bought a Rolex Watch I never posted any pictures of this How will anyone know I came here? How will anyone know I ever existed? Will they all just scroll past? They’ll scroll past I’d probably scroll past myself

Sitting on my couch. Read a book. Watching Netflix. But I look at my telephone wondering if you’ll text me soon. So I go back to reading one of those comic books I have read before. I drink another glass of gin and pass out on my couch again And you, why can’t you be here right next to me? I just want you to see this distance is killing me. And you, you ought to know. Sick of taking it slow. Scared that you’ll just go and that thought’s killing me. Watching my dishes pile up. Fruit flies are flying around my sink. Maybe I should just wash them or I can have another drink. Call you up right after work. We’ll talk about nothing, but I look forward to that call, I don’t think that gin is what I’m needing. And you, why can’t you be here right next to me? I just want you to see this distance is killing me. And you, you ought to know. Sick of taking it slow. Scared that you’ll just go and that thought’s killing me. I just want to see your face. Hear your voice say “Hey Nate, let’s take this day by day. Everything will be OK.” And you, why can’t you be here right next to me? I just want you to see this distance is killing me. And you, you ought to know. Sick of taking it slow. Scared that you’ll just go and that thought’s killing me.

Filing your nails in a hand-me-down dress. You’re lost and I’d say, at best, I’m depressed, and I just can’t recall what this felt like in the fall. Back in September maybe life was better. It wasn’t snowing outside. I could park my car where I wanted to. Come back inside. Still getting to know you. Well, now I think I’ve pushed it as far as I can. It doesn’t feel the same way when I hold your hand and my anxiety is getting the best of you and the best of me. I just can’t believe what is happening to me. I can’t think straight anymore. This is poison. And I’m not sure how it came to this but I feel like dying. So I’m leaving this apartment because it’s poison. And you’re poison. It’s April now and I’ve run out of luck. She moved in with a prick who drives a pickup truck. I think she’s happy now. Meanwhile, I’m stuck trying to understand how that works.If it was special, what we had; one in a million, what we had, how the hell’d we let the darkness seep and puncture what we had? Was it you, or me, or both of us together? Was it doomed from the very start? That’s what pokes and prods me as I’m falling asleep. They say there’s millions of fish but it’s a big fucking sea. I want the one I had before. Ironic I’m the one who walked out the door. It was gentle at first but then I realized the problem wasn’t readiness in general or the weather at all. It was that he who cast the stone couldn’t comprehend the loneliness of being alone. I just can’t believe what is happening to me. I can’t think straight anymore. This is poison And I’m not sure how it came to this but I feel like dying. So I’m leaving this apartment because it’s poison. If you see her say hello and that I’m destroyed now; that I certainly remember that rationale. How could I handle another if I can’t handle myself? But I know there’s regret in her heart and that’s what hurts. I just can’t believe what is happening to me. I can’t think straight anymore. This is poison And I’m not sure how it came to this but I feel like dying. Wish I'd never let it get to me. This is poison. I just can’t believe that this happened to me. I can’t think straight anymore. This is poison And I don’t know how it came to this but I feel like dying. I need back in that apartment. Because this is poison and I’m poison too.

I’m alright. Thought that I should let you know. I’m watching my ceiling fan go round and round and round. There were fireworks last night. Colors in the clouds. I watched my ceiling fan go round and round and round. Fight or flight. If that’s a choice I have to make I might just take the nearest route out of my hometown. The mirror’s unsettling now. Rings beneath my eyes. Think I’ll scrape the shit up off my shoes and kiss the blues goodbye. I mean it. I painted my walls last night. I painted my walls. I got so fucking tired of staring at off white that I painted my walls. I realize now it’s fragile; that all it takes is faith in someone to send a person crashing down in flames. If this all sounds severe, you’re not that far off. You can call it sudden clarity. I don’t call it anything just yet. To me it’s all occurring. That’s it. To me it’s all just space. To me it’s all recurring. To me it’s all blank space. Goddammit. I painted my walls last night. I painted my walls. I got so fucking tired of staring at off white that I painted my walls. I painted my walls last night. I painted my walls. Lethargy’s just triggered by a glare in the streetlight, so I painted my walls. What else could I do?

Talk to me I’m bored. Put letters on my screen. I just wanted to be alone today but I guess that’s not happening. You asked me what my aspirations are. I told you I hadn’t thought that far in quite a while and that it didn’t really matter. In retrospect, that hit me like a brick. How could I lose sight of all of this? Twenty minutes left in a Honda Civic on the outskirts of the city limits. We had nothing left to say to one another. A hundred things linger in my head, would you have believed a single thing I said? I didn’t know, so we just drove. In my kitchen typing messages, never sending them. You were there before I knew, saved me from impact again. We always connect on the most peculiar things. I’m sorry I forget to do almost everything. There’s visibility for 22 whole miles today. I’m wondering what you’d say, would you do more than spend the night with me? Backtrack to before I was only 20 years old. I had absolutely no idea what the year had in store for me. I was a villain for a while. I heard it takes a village to raise a child. In this case, a dead argument; a couple voices on repeat. There was a lot of stress surrounding. We can just leave it there. Would I have said anything before she did? I’d say no, no, I probably would’ve never dared. Then at your behest I snapped out of that shit. Started feeling less and less like pitying myself and giving up, so I gave in. I remember the second on the 21st day of December when I first looked at you differently; thought I wonder if she’d be the kind who’d want to spend her life with me?

You know it to be true I’ve changed my hue Now I’m true blue A cup of tea will do I take mine with two How about you? You know you look lovely when you wear lace But I can’t take my eyes off your face Mariella, Mariella There’s something I’d like to tell ya Mariella, Mariella I want to be your fella I want to be with you and no one else It seems quite selfish So let’s just drink our tea Just you and me We’ll make believe You know you look lovely when you wear red But I can’t get you out of my head Mariella, Mariella There’s something I’d like to tell ya Mariella, Mariella I want to be your fella

I think the only real wish for my life is to be taken from it peacefully. Age 133, I hope I die in my sleep Be resurrected as a kingfisher. Oblivious to the TV and politics. I’ll build a home out of the hundreds of sticks I’ve gathered and that’s it.

It’s 1 AM, 3 AM where you are. I don’t know where I am but I’m nodding at a bar and the man behind is filling my glass with water. There’s a dude standing next to me. Looks like George Takei. He gives me a once-over. Asks if I’m OK. I’m about a half a second from mumbling “Fuck Off” to his face. But instead I turn around and I ask him why he’d ask me that. He says “Buddy, it looks like you’ve had a pretty rough night. It looks like you’re in for an even worse morning. I’m betting you don’t know how to get home and, most of all, I thought the answer would be no.” Sometimes I can feel the weight of privilege and I’m not really sure what to make of it. So I toss it around till it’s shifted or leave my card behind the bar till it’s lifted. Closed out. Stumbling past the strip clubs in North Beach. They’re dead now and it’s unsettling. Move faster cause it’s dark and I am nervous. Follow the pyramid, man, hang a left at the bridge and the water. A simple task made a whole lot harder by blurred vision and an untied shoelace. Distracted, heaving, land on my face. But it’s fine. It’s totally fine. So now I’m on Embarcadero and I’m staring at the street. I break into a sprint just to see what it feels like. Left you a three-and-a-half minute voicemail on your phone. The jist was that I love you and I’m scared to be alone. Sometimes I forget that you’re somebody’s daughter. I forget all the friends that you have. I forget there was a time before I knew you. I forget that you’re not mine and I forget that I’m not yours. In a cab now. Forehead against the glass. Watch police lights, and the ballpark, and the fog roll past. “Don’t fall asleep back there on me, man. What’s your address? Who you staying with? This is your building. It’ll be $12.75.” Now I’m amazed by everything and there’s beauty all around. I live in a great city. I’m from a hell of a small town. I feel light. I feel elated and I think how far I’ve come. Really, it’s extraordinary and it’s something to be proud of. But even now I don’t trust it; even now I suspect this will all be gone by tomorrow.

Sometimes I get the feeling that I’m doomed. That’s irrational and pathetic, but it’s true. I wander JCPenney by myself. Now you’re asking me to bring somebody else in. Well, that’s a pretty tough sell, but what the hell? I watch the fog crawl over the hill sign that reads the name of the city that sits beside from my balcony and I decide I’m not sure I want to go outside. But if I don’t, it means I’m lazy. And if I’m lazy, I am useless. And if I’m useless, what’s the appeal of me? What will become of this six months from today? I’m not sure where I fell but it’s far too late to pick back up. It’s a little hard to tell you I’m terrified, but I’m not sure of what. Sometimes I feel the need to be subdued so I don’t throw up and pass out in the middle of Whole Foods ruminating on all the shit that could go wrong. Are you positive you want to come along? Stayed up too late last night doing nothing. I was drinking by myself, fully conscious that means I’m lonely and I am sad. It was energizing to bask in that with every Diet Coke and Jack I poured. I was blinking one eye at a time. There was still a week to change my mind. But time moves fast, that week has past, and that optimism never lasts I’m sorry in advance I don’t exude confidence that we’re not completely screwed. It’s a mindset that I hope you understand: If it can happen, it’ll happen so long as it’s bad. There’s panic in my fingers. There’s panic in my toes.Panic is all around me and so the panic grows. My family tried to warn me, they all said wait and see. Now I believe in panic. There’s panic inside of me I wonder what you’ll do if I wake you up at 2 AM just pacing around our breakfast bar afraid that I am dying. Will you be bothered by the worry? And the wide-eyed paranoia? Will you say “I never would’ve come here if I actually knew you”? Will you forget all of the good shit that originally drew you to me? Will you push that all away? Will you even last a day here? Will we have to say to our families that we mutually agreed if it could have ever worked it was definitely the wrong time? Is it OK with you that I go into modes and cannot answer why? The only thing to do is listen until it’s come and it has gone. Do you know that if I’m angry it’s because it’s difficult to cry? Do you know that if I’m yelling I might as well be yelling at the sky?

Maserati speeding down the 101 I hope I never meet the person driving you I think they’d make me look bad and they’d make me feel small Rust above the wheelwell of my Protege I don’t know how you got so big but I wish you’d go away You really offset the grey Folger’s Coffee spilling down the leg of my jeans That’s just the way that things go The way they’re going for me lately I don’t really know what’s happening Golden Gate cypress and the gull in the sky You’re the only things around that are getting me by But you’ve always been there Guess what I paid for was a lie

Tired of feeling like a lunatic in my house. Hyperanalytic, moving like a field mouse. I used to believe there was something in my room with me. Now I see so clearly this whole place is empty. Devoid of anything. Time to fly away, I mean that metaphorically. I’ll likely just drive somewhere and contemplate maturity. I’m thinking a parking lot would suit the situation best. If it’s not gonna rain I’ll close my eyelids. Slam my body to the headrest. Think I need to be baptized or something. I’m supposed to feel more awake. If there’s a spirit within I haven’t been hearing from him much these days. Guess it could be sobriety, guess it could be just getting older, but it’s probably just the days getting darker and colder and never knowing when it’s gonna change. Finding comfort till the moment comes I’m found out. Where’s the failsafe you always seem to talk about? A blank stare. A haircut? A new shirt? A fuck-up. My mistake. The landlord. Two seatbelts and a hole punched through a screen door. Something in the air, I mean that metaphysically. It’s tension and cardamom. I practice hyperventilating. I couldn’t be happier, I can assure you. I couldn’t be happier. I couldn’t be happier. No, but I know I’m undercutting the problem. Avoidant and stubborn, my virtues. Ever since I arrived on the Earth I’ve been doing stuff wrong. So guide me, my shepherd. Trajectory skewed by perception. If I’m moving in the right direction send a sign. A bolt of lightning or a rent check.

Goodbye thinking Hello drinking Buy another whiskey and call it a day Buy a round for yourself Buy a round for your friends Buy enough whiskey to get you out of my head The man sitting next to me Is not the man I want to be He’s drunk and he’s alone But when you’re not near me That’s the man I seem to be I’m drunk and I’m alone Inside my flannel Hello Camels Light another cigarette and call it a day Wanna smoke with me? I know that it’s risky Light up one more cigarette and call it a night The man sitting next to me Is not the man I want to be He’s drunk and he’s alone But when you’re not near me That’s the man I tend to be I’m drunk and I’m alone No no, mama. No no no, mama. No no, mama. I don’t want to see you go.

Oh, Deke Slayton I’m really glad that you went to space I’m really happy for you, man Deke Slayton I just keep falling on my face You gotta help me if you can I get up every morning and I check my email Nothing important